im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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