Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
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