My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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