My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
