You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
