bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
