Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
