we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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