I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
