Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
