Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
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How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
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Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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