Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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