You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
