Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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