I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
