Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
