i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
