The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
