I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
COCAINE IS GR8
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
