good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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