last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
