May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
