NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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