Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
