ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
