it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
