The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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