It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
