Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
