yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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