I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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