OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
