why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
