Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
dude. I can hear the air.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
