Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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