You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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