Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
