Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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