a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
