Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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