WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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