I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
