I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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