Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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