Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
