her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
