So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
