turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
