My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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