It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
