Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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