Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
how drunk are you?
Several
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
