Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
