i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Randomize
