Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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