i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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