The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
